Here’s the truth. When I say “no” to what feeds and fills me, when I decide something else matters more than doing what lights me up- I become empty. And when I’m empty, I miss the beauty of Here.
This morning before I exercised or cleared the breakfast dishes off the table, before I let myself get sucked into other people’s words via this amazing internet, I put on my magic painting apron, lit three candles, took a couple of big gulps of smoothie and began. I began by pouring little bits of magenta, turquoise, orange, yellow, white etc…onto that piece of cut glass I got just for this purpose. I began with an urgency, with heart pumping faster, I began while repeating these words in my head: Please, please let me get out of the way so what wants to come through will come through. Please let me get out of the way. Please let me get out of the way.
While I repeated these words, I dipped fingers into color and as color started filling empty space, I let myself breathe. There was a hunger there I can’t describe, as though my life and sanity depended on me putting paint on canvas in that moment. As I continued, I was aware of those mean voices in my head – the ones that tell me what I can’t do, the ones that tell me I’m wasting paint and time, the ones that insist I should be exercising the fat off my body instead of playing with paint.
But I kept dipping fingers, mixing color, allowing some deeper, quieter part of me to guide the process. And as I continued to breathe and paint, a flood of emotions came and started dripping, and the words in my head then became - thank you, thank you, thank you.
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